Local runner Rip Tabbs, 31, ran through Sunrise Park at the most crowded time of day, yet not one woman, hot or otherwise, made a comment about his appearance.
Tabbs was particularly dismayed because he had a really good spray tan the day before and took the time to do a quick set of push-ups before stripping off his shirt to start his three-mile run along the crowded all-purpose trail.
“I read in a magazine that when women run in public, that guys scream at them about how hot they are, and I was like, I want that!” said Tabbs. Despite venturing out with only a pair of shorts covering his glistening, muscular body, not a single woman loudly advised Tabbs of his level of attractiveness.
“I even tried scowling as I passed an older lady walking her shi-tzu,” said Tabbs. “She didn’t even tell me to smile.”
We asked the shi-tzu owner, Olivia Biss, 65, why she chose not to implore the handsome Tabbs to turn his frown upside-down on such a beautiful day. Biss responded, “Who?”
Biss wasn’t the only woman to not satisfy Tabbs’ quest for attention.
“A car full of teenaged girls with the windows rolled down blaring music drove by,” said Tabbs. “How hard would it have been for one of them to ask me if I wanted a ride?”
When asked if he actually wanted a ride, Tabbs responded, “Of course not! I was out for a run! But they could have at least screamed something unintelligible but unmistakably lewd!””
One woman, mother of five Vanessa Los Toggen, 41, was driving her minivan by Tabbs about halfway through his run. “I really thought she was into me,” said Tabbs. “She rolled her window down and everything, but she ended up asking a woman running behind me for directions — I’m just glad she didn’t waste my time with that.”
We asked our resident attention expert Fay Moore where she thinks Tabbs went wrong. “He certainly has the physique of an attractive man,” said Moore. “His clothing choice, or lack there of, would suggest to some that he was looking for a good time.” Ultimately, Moore was similarly mystified why Tabbs failed to attract the attention of a single woman while out running shirtless on the populated path. “Based on my years of overanalyzing women’s bodies and harshly judging their behavior, this type of behavior is almost guaranteed to illicit a response — I really thought gender equity had come further than this.”
Tabbs, for his part is undeterred. “I think next time I’ll apply some baby oil to my pecs and some extra cologne before heading out.”
As we finished up our interview with Tabbs, the woman who had been stopped for directions, Jess Dowanit, 33, finished her run. “Phew! That was a hard tempo,” she said. When we asked her about Tabbs, she laughed. “Oh that guy? Yeah, I felt kinda sorry for him.”
How do you ensure you get the attention you deserve?