SaltyValu™ Race Report Generator

Runner outfit, guy in banana costume, Desi Linden, Pesto with medal
Typical race report photos. From left: flat runner, banana runner, fist pumping Olympian, sweaty post-race runner with medal.

Sometimes I wonder if a race report template exists that all runners use. I started, I ran, it was hard, I finished and a lot of stuff happened in between. I wondered if I could hack the system. If I analyzed hundreds, dozens, or three, race reports, could I crack the code? And if I did, could I leverage my knowledge into the best selling product yet in our SaltyValu™ line: the Race Report Generator? Imagine how many zeros of dollars we could make with this incredible invention!

So, I did just that. Now no need to bother trying to come up with another way to say “toe the line” or “waited in line for a porta-potty”, when with our simple to use questionnaire, we’ll write the report only your mother will read for you!

Use the SaltyValu™ Generator today!

Code Embed: Cannot use CODE_rrgen1 as a global code as it is being used to store 2 unique pieces of code in 2 posts

Ultrarunner, yoga teacher, academic, and feminist. I write about ultrarunning, feminism, and the intersection of running and life.

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10 comments

  1. I woke up race morning early. I guess since this was my ninth 1 mile, I was frisky about getting to the race on time.
    After a pre-race breakfast of peanut butter toast, I rode a burro to the race and made my way to the start. I completed a warm-up or two and headed to the line for the Port-a-Potties. With the race due to start in 34 minutes, I knew I had to sashay. The lines were unbearably long, luckily I was able to dance before the starting gun. At this point, the temperature was 7 degrees and the plague of locusts hadn’t started yet, so I was underdressed.
    At the start, I took off my garter and took my final Jello shot. The gun went off with a bang, and I started on my target pace, 3:45. The course was delightful, so it was perfect for the first third of the race. However, this was not to continue.
    I started to struggle as the course turned into a brutal flat section. It looked endless and was directly into the plague of locusts. For the first time, I wasn’t sure if I would get proposed to at the finish line. It was way too early to be struggling like this, and I anticipated the rest of the race would be fancy.
    Soon I ran past the aid station at the halfway point, where the volunteers were shouting and holding out water and coffee. Despite advertising that the aid stations would have jelly beans, there was none left! I took my own Jello shot and soldiered on.
    The Jello shot boosted my energy, and the next section literally flew by. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
    Soon the course became decidedly stupendous. I was still feeling delighted and tried to imgaine I was a Cheetah to get moving. But things got tough again and I knew a streaker attack was not far. I tried to take it one meter at a time.
    Then I rounded the corner and there it was: a streaker attack. But the finish line was in sight! I drank to the finish, dancing my goal! Thank goodness it was over! I was so stupified. I can’t wait for the next one!

  2. I woke up race morning early. I guess since this was my 5 virtual race, I was despondent about getting to the race on time.

    After a pre-race breakfast of peanut butter toast, I rode a burro to the race and made my way to the start. I completed a dancing or two and headed to the line for the Port-a-Potties. With the race due to start in 5 minutes, I knew I had to squat. The lines were unbearably long, luckily I was able to poop before the starting gun. At this point, the temperature was 19 degrees and the total eclipse of the heart hadn’t started yet, so I was overdressed.

    At the start, I took off my shorts and took my final GoGoSqueeze Applesauce. The gun went off with a bang, and I started on my target pace, 13:25. The course was putrid, so it was perfect for the first third of the race. However, this was not to continue.

    I started to struggle as the course turned into a brutal hilly section. It looked endless and was directly into the total eclipse of the heart. For the first time, I wasn’t sure if I would beat the guy in the chicken suit. It was way too early to be struggling like this, and I anticipated the rest of the race would be brilliant.

    Soon I ran past the aid station at the halfway point, where the volunteers were shouting and holding out water and Shakeology. Despite advertising that the aid stations would have tacos, there was none left! I took my own GoGoSqueeze Applesauce and soldiered on.

    The GoGoSqueeze Applesauce boosted my energy, and the next section literally flew by. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

    Soon the course became decidedly spicy. I was still feeling joy and tried to imgaine I was a llama to get moving. But things got tough again and I knew the ‘punch here to power up’ sign was not far. I tried to take it one meters at a time.

    Then I rounded the corner and there it was: the ‘punch here to power up’ sign. But the finish line was in sight! I slept to the finish, squatting my goal! Thank goodness it was over! I was so exhausted. I can’t wait for the next one!

  3. My Fartknocker Race Report

    I woke up race morning early. I guess since this was my twenty-third 10k, I was not frisky about getting to the race on time.

    After a pre-race breakfast of peanut butter toast, I sashayed to the race and made my way to the start. I completed a twerk or two and headed to the line for the Port-a-Potties. With the race due to start in 5 minutes, I knew I had to violate. The lines were unbearably long, luckily I was able to hoard before the starting gun. At this point, the temperature was 4 degrees and the horizontal sleet hadn’t started yet, so I was underdressed.

    At the start, I took off my Spanx and took my final EPO shot. The gun went off with a bang, and I started on my target pace, 46:11. The course was hopeful, so it was perfect for the first third of the race. However, this was not to continue.

    I started to struggle as the course turned into a brutal flat section. It looked endless and was directly into the horizontal sleet. For the first time, I wasn’t sure if I would finish. It was way too early to be struggling like this, and I anticipated the rest of the race would be turgid.

    Soon I ran past the aid station at the halfway point, where the volunteers were shouting and holding out water and coffee. Despite advertising that the aid stations would have Dunk-a-Roos, there was none left! I took my own EPO shot and soldiered on.

    The EPO shot boosted my energy, and the next section literally flew by. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

    Soon the course became decidedly forceful. I was still feeling disoriented and tried to imgaine I was a gnu to get moving. But things got tough again and I knew the guy in the chicken suit was not far. I tried to take it one Angstrom at a time.

    Then I rounded the corner and there it was: the guy in the chicken suit. But the finish line was in sight! I groused to the finish, spilling my goal! Thank goodness it was over! I was so dyspeptic. I can’t wait for the next one!

  4. My Happy Times Race for Awesome Race Report

    I woke up race morning late. I guess since this was my sixtieth beer mile, I was not frisky about getting to the race on time.
    After a pre-race breakfast of peanut butter toast, I roller skated to the race and made my way to the start. I completed a leg swing or two and headed to the line for the Port-a-Potties. With the race due to start in 4 minutes, I knew I had to stumble. The lines were unbearably long, luckily I was able to whirl before the starting gun. At this point, the temperature was 8 degrees and the sharknado hadn’t started yet, so I was underdressed.
    At the start, I took off my bra and took my final GoGoSqueeze Applesauce. The gun went off with a bang, and I started on my target pace, 8:29. The course was round, so it was perfect for the first third of the race. However, this was not to continue.
    I started to struggle as the course turned into a brutal flat section. It looked endless and was directly into the sharknado. For the first time, I wasn’t sure if I would beat the guy in the chicken suit. It was way too early to be struggling like this, and I anticipated the rest of the race would be small.
    Soon I ran past the aid station at the halfway point, where the volunteers were shouting and holding out water and tequila. Despite advertising that the aid stations would have sweet potatoes, there was none left! I took my own GoGoSqueeze Applesauce and soldiered on.
    The GoGoSqueeze Applesauce boosted my energy, and the next section literally flew by. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
    Soon the course became decidedly soft. I was still feeling exuberant and tried to imagine I was a kangaroo to get moving. But things got tough again and I knew a streaker attack was not far. I tried to take it one fathom at a time.
    Then I rounded the corner and there it was: a streaker attack. But the finish line was in sight! I sprang to the finish, snorkeling my goal! Thank goodness it was over! I was so frustrated. I can’t wait for the next one!

  5. My Imaginary world championship Race Report

    I woke up race morning early. I guess since this was my Fifth solo relay, I was not frightened about getting to the race on time.
    After a pre-race breakfast of a banana and a bagel, I rode a burro to the race and made my way to the start. I completed a Twerk or two and headed to the line for the Port-a-Potties. With the race due to start in 764 minutes, I knew I had to Jive. The lines were unbearably long, luckily I was able to Rock before the starting gun. At this point, the temperature was 47 degrees and the Hitchcockian birds hadn’t started yet, so I was underdressed.
    At the start, I took off my Wedding dress and took my final EPO shot. The gun went off with a bang, and I started on my target pace, 67:21. The course was Mushy, so it was perfect for the first third of the race. However, this was not to continue.
    I started to struggle as the course turned into a brutal flat section. It looked endless and was directly into the Hitchcockian birds. For the first time, I wasn’t sure if I would get proposed to at the finish line. It was way too early to be struggling like this, and I anticipated the rest of the race would be Fashionable .
    Soon I ran past the aid station at the halfway point, where the volunteers were shouting and holding out water and tequila. Despite advertising that the aid stations would have Calamari , there was none left! I took my own EPO shot and soldiered on.
    The EPO shot boosted my energy, and the next section literally flew by. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
    Soon the course became decidedly Corpulent. I was still feeling Disgust and tried to imgaine I was a Duckbill platypus to get moving. But things got tough again and I knew the guy in the chicken suit was not far. I tried to take it one Nautical mile at a time.
    Then I rounded the corner and there it was: the guy in the chicken suit. But the finish line was in sight! I Sprouted to the finish, Heaving my goal! Thank goodness it was over! I was so Confusion. I can’t wait for the next one!