SaltyValu Lounging: Because Sometimes You Have to Sit the F Around


Big news!!! Our first venture into merchandising was such a runaway success that we are branching out into lifestyle products!

By now you know that Salty Runners like to run, but did you know that sometimes Salty Runners just sit around? Sometimes by choice, sometimes not.

Here at Salty HQ, several of us have been sitting on our butts the last few weeks. We were bitching talking about this when suddenly a light bulb! Money-making scheme! There are 17 million products devoted to helping you be a better runner, but how many products are there devoted to keeping you off your feet? Not many! And so Salty Valu™ Lounging was born. Ways to spend money that help you Run As You Are, and Lounge Like You Mean It.

At Salty, we know there’s a growing need for a 5k2Couch, so we have FIVE new products launching soon! Here is a sneak preview just for you!

1. The #Monocard 

We all know how easy life is when you can play the #womancard. Well, Salty Lounging is about to make your life even easier, ladies. Salty has been working hard to perfect the ultimate lounging tool: the #monocard. If you thought it was hard to get off the sofa before, you won’t believe how absolutely impossible it can be with a case of mononucleosis! If money is no object, Salty will be hosting a kissing booth tomorrow night at 9:00. She bills on a sliding scale of grossness, so don’t forget to brush your teeth. For those on a budget (and far less hardcore) who may not wish to actually contract mono for a legit #monocard, just meet our sales rep at the back of our sketchy van. For just three easy payments of $19.99 she’ll set you up with one that looks almost like the real thing.

mono makes you sleepy
Bonus! With your #monocard, not only can you lounge guiltlessly and involuntarily, but everyone will leave you the F alone.


Train your brain! Give those legs a break! Caraway was home for a whole week with a sick kiddo (#mykidhasscarletfevercard) and developed Karaway’s EKSTREME REKOVERY BOOTKAMP™ for marathon training. The patent is still pending so we can’t reveal too many details yet, but mostly you sit on the couch and think very hard about running. Again, meet our sales rep at the back of the van to sign up for #rekoverykamp and learn how it’s done. #K?Wow so blotches. Many blank.

3. Ice Cream Therapy

Pesto, stuck at home with a stress fracture, purchased a container of our $37.99 ice cream therapy and it worked like a charm. Plus, calcium.

lounging with ice cream

4. SaltyValu Objectification

Pumpkin is on the couch with post-marathon tendinitis. She’s been on the phone nonstop, lining up an army of David Beckham lookalikes to come to her house, feed her grapes, get a fresh ice pack, and tenderly ask how her calf is feeling today. If this sounds good to you, then sign up today for house calls from Pumpkin’s Good-Lookin’ Army Of Buff & Nurturing Men: subscriptions from $9.99/month. Use coupon code OBJECTIFY for 20% off. Sign up at the van!

Salty lounging

5. SaltyValu La-Z-Girl

You’ve heard of the BarcaLounger, you’ve heard of the La-Z-Boy, but we’ve gone one better. With built-in beer cooler, integrated magic massage fingers, AutoNapper™, a shelf on the back to display the Adulting Trophies that got you here, and our patented 360-degree Noise-canceling Aura, you’ll never want to get up again… #Monocard or no. We were lounging so hard we didn’t bother to take a photo of this bad girl. But don’t worry. It’s worth every single one of the four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine pennies we charge.

What’s your pick?

I'm a 43-year-old living in Berlin, Germany and currently training for the 2020 Berlin Marathon.

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  1. Why is there no catalog photo of Beckham doppelgangers?
    Does 5K2Couch training plan come with a t-shirt?
    Also suggest for Fall/Winter ’17, a one-size-fits-all wearable blanket for said couch-lounging – revolutionary square shape and no arm or leg holes means you’ll never have to worry about sizing or fit.