On October 17th, 2015, I discovered that my husband and I were pregnant after trying for a mere three months. About eight weeks later, we found out we had miscarried.
Miscarriage sucks, in so many ways. It’s really one of those indescribable events in someone’s life that no one thinks they’ll ever have to experience until it happens, but when it does, it is absolutely gut-wrenching.
Last year ended up being one where we had to keep the faith, waiting and hoping for better news ahead of us. But that can be so, so hard, especially when everyone around you seems to be achieving all the things you want now. And for runners, this limbo of an extended period of trying to conceive is also, often, limbo for our running goals, which adds to the feelings of loss and frustration.
I’m at that time in my life, at 29 years old, when everyone my age is experiencing those really cool events in their lives. Getting that dream job. Getting engaged! Getting married. Moving somewhere sweeter, warmer, more fun. Traveling. Or, having babies.
Why does it seem like every time we want something so badly, it seems to happen to everyone around you, except not to you? I am telling you guys, every single time I logged onto Facebook, someone else was pregnant or having a baby. Every. Single. Time.
My husband actually stayed off of Facebook for a while. We both slipped into this lull in our lives that we lived in for most of 2016. I wouldn’t call it a depression, but it was more like we were just “surviving.” Month after month, getting that negative pregnancy test or my period was totally draining. We prayed so hard. We had support from family and friends. But getting that random, “Hey, you’re not pregnant, are you?” text was just another knife in the back.
I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages. One of my friends had six miscarriages, and she still hasn’t had a baby yet. And I’m complaining about one? After some time, we realized it was all about perspective. We made a deal, and said that for every month we got a negative pregnancy test, we would put $100 in a jar, and save up for a trip to Europe. My husband began working out more again, and I started picking out races to run seriously again. He got a new job that he loves, with wonderful co-workers and great benefits. We bought a new-to-us car, something neither of us had ever done. We got our floors re-finished in our house, visited friends in different states, drank lots of beer, and found a stronger love in one another than we had ever known.
Exactly one year and four days after I saw those two lines on a pregnancy test, I discovered I was pregnant again.
I am now well into my second trimester (four weeks behind Barley!) and am grateful for every moment of nausea, every dry heave, every sleepy notion, every time I put my pants on and they are a little tighter, and for every. Single. Day. We are so very blessed and excited for what the future holds! Keeping the faith is so hard sometimes. But, sometimes, it is so freaking worth it.
I am still working full-time nights while pregnant, and I am still running, but not nearly as much or as hard. I learned from being pregnant last year that pregnancy literally kicks you down and throws you for a loop. Pre-pregnancy, I was running 40-60 mile weeks with two speed workouts a week. Now? More like 20-25 miles per week, with maybe one harder effort run, if I’m lucky.
I am excited to share my journey with running and this pregnancy. I hope to continue running and staying fit throughout. I set a goal for myself to get in four to five days per week of at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. So far, I’ve been able to do it. Some days, I feel pretty awesome! While others, like Barley has posted about, I feel like sitting in front of the tv and not moving an inch. These days usually happen after working night shift a couple nights in a row… something I used to be able to handle really well, but being pregnant, I find that it is a little more tasking on the body.
I want to give a shout out to those who have experienced miscarriage, or those who are trying to conceive. I hope you can embrace your life, at whatever stage you are at, and realize you have a purpose in this life. Set new goals for yourself, indulge and spoil yourself, be good to your spouse or partner, love one another even harder than the day before! Here’s to an exciting 2017 ahead!
Did you struggle with frustration about running and the process while trying to conceive?