Last Tuesday we were all on pins and needles waiting to see if Pumpkin made it into the Twin City 10 Miler. She entered the lottery, but unfortunately didn’t win a coveted entry to this popular race. She pronounced herself “bummed” and, as her friend, it broke my li’l heart to see her disappointment. I wanted to help.
Rather than act impulsively and launching a full-scale media war or otherwise trying to subvert the race lottery system, I tugged at a copy of Racing the Antelope, and when the bookshelf swung open I stepped into the Secret Salty Research Laboratory to hit the books. After a thorough scientific investigation into the great race lotteries of the world, having studied all the statistics and pored over historical accounts of various numbers rackets, I have formulated a few strategies to increase Pumpkin’s odds next year. With more races turning to lotteries every year, I figured you might be able to use them too.
1. Sneaky Like A Fox
Step 1: Get a bedazzler.
Step 2: Perfect your sleight of hand by examining old David Copperfield videos on YouTube.
Step 3: Show up to the lottery selection in your bedazzled bra and bunz and ask to play Vanna White.
Step 4: Make sure you have a slip of paper with your own name printed on it in your hand and just “happen” to choose yourself.
If you frequent all the local group runs, you’ve probably picked up a little gossip. Maybe you saw the RD or lottery coordinator on Tinder and you “just don’t want to have to” tell his wife.
3. Brute Force
Hire a click farm in Bangladesh to help you create 3,000 false identities for application.
4. Other brute force
Make a few deals, hire some goons. You don’t need to know their methods, just their results.
What are your tried and true methods to getting into your favorite race?