I F’in Hate You, Overpriced Camel Toe Tights

Camel be like 'wut'

The frost is thick. I have to run.
I sift through my gear and wish for sun.

My expensive tights are pushed near the back.
My favorite tights lie in the laundry sack.

A furrowed scowl and f-bombs flow.
Please tell me it’s not f’ing so!

“But your name brand tights? Aren’t they the best?!”
My husband snickers in delighted jest.

He knows the truth, why these remain.
These over-priced tights, they’re my winter’s bane.

Not the entire tights, to be fair,
just the part between my legs, a little square
of stretchy fabric with horrid seams
puckered ‘neath my crotch in ragged reams.

Who designed these things? Or for whom?
The crotch has too much saggy room.

Who was the model? Were her labia titanic?
Or maybe, like Barbie, no labia, just plastic?

If they were tight I’d call it camel toe,
but these wafting wisps are more a trifecta taco.

Or the mouth of a parasitic worm agape
ready for the blood from a host victim’s nape.

With my parts now covered, I remain exposed.
I want the ones in my laundry, not these … those!

If I show up in these, I’ll never hear the end
from my most brutally honest best running friend.

My favorite ones fit smooth and tight,
no puckers, no moose knuckles to hide from sight.
No extra weird seams to get caught in my notch
just many miles with no thoughts of my crotch.

The G-rated tights are like second skin,
no odd little ridge like a spandex shark fin.

Buying those good ones did not empty my purse,
nor did I feel guilt or the impulse to curse.
The money I wasted makes my hate burn worse.
This awful pair cost the same as four of my shirts!

I thought for eighty bucks I’d run like a gazelle,
instead they just make my crotch look like hell.
That’s why these spendy tights behind me are left;
they show too much false feminine cleft.

I push them further, way in the back
to never ever again come off the rack.

Rather than swallow that bitter pill
I don some shorts and fire up my treadmill.


Do you have that pair of tights? 

I'm a former biology teacher and current stay-at-home-mom of two kids. When I'm not figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, I'm running! The next big goal? A 3:10 marathon. I write about the not-so-glamorous side of running and fitting in serious training with a family while staying sane(ish).

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16 comments

  1. I am heading to the track in my chafey annoying and unflattering Lululemon shorts I won’t throw away because they cost $54 6 years ago… and I thought of you.

  2. OMG, dying. This is actually when I suck it up and put on a pair of granny pants – under the tights. I’d rather get teased about the panty lines than the “wicked wedge.” It works in a pinch … and to prevent a certain pinch from those ill-fitting tights!

  3. Hilarious. You know how they sometimes use men as dress models? Apparently that’s true for super expensive tights…

    1. All the extra crotch fabric is what really galls… who knows? Maybe the model actually had ___. hahahahaha

  4. This is a perfect poem <3
    I have a few pairs of leggings that I only wear when I don't care if I get them dirty or it's a short run or run commute. Luckily, these were cheaper legging so I don't give a fuck. I totally have done the "I don't have clothes for outside so TREADMILL!" No shame at all.