5 VIP Race Perks I Must Have

46253nhnw6sy1lc-300x225With my wads of cash piling up under my mattress and nothing to do with it and my total utter awesomeness, I am excited to see that races have wised up enough to start offering me some extra perks: extra perks I deserve. Forget cotton t-shirts, a packet of udder cream (what is that stuff?) and some coupons for the landfill, I want real swag!

Just the other day, I was thinking about how I have all that time before races start with nothing on my mind and nothing to do. Warm-up, shmarm-up. I want pre-race wine and cheese! Oh, that’s just at the expo? Well, darn. Some race director somewhere, hear my plea: offer me a cheese board and a red flight at the starting line, PLEASE!

And that’s just the beginning. Here are 5 other things I would like offered to me at my next race.

1. My own personal cheering squad who will tell me I am winning and that I look hot while doing so.

Cruise jumps on the couch during the taping of...
For a small extra fee Tom Cruise will jump on Oprah’s couch when I get the first place trophy I paid for. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2. Someone to feed me my gel and squirt a little liquid into my mouth upon thirst. And no, I shouldn’t have to tell them when to do it. And yes, I’d like to be fanned simultaneously.

3. An escort to the starting line: Tom Cruise on his motorcycle. I shall play the part of Katie Holmes circa 2006.

4. The deluxe porta-bidet with my name on it. Because I like feeling like I’m in Europe (and fresh) when I race and my butt does not share.

5. A giant first place trophy and a spot on the podium. Forget training. Forget patience. Where’s my credit card? If I can’t run my way to the top, I shall buy a place there instead!

So Salty readers, what VIP perks must you have? And how do you feel about the whole VIP race perks thing?


Salty Running boss and mother of 3 little ones with PRs of 3:10:15 (26.2), 1:25:59 (13.1) and 18:15 (5k). I love to write about running culture, mental training, and fitting in a serious running habit with the rest of a busy life.

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  1. A fresh shirt handed out every six miles during the marathon so I never have to worry about being too warm or too cold.

  2. Forget someone to feed you the gel – someone to carry it so I don’t have to strategically pin it! And a plate of delicious food (pre-ordered to my specifications, natch) handed to me along with my medal as soon as I cross the line.

  3. I’ll have you know that the udder cream you speak of is made in my hometown Salty…don’t hate! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. I’m sorry! I just picked something that I’ve received in race packets that seemed an easy target. I’ve actually heard it’s the best stuff for dry hands ๐Ÿ˜‰