5 Reasons You Should Hire Nicki Minaj as Your Running Coach

imageI have developed a bit of an obsession with my girl Nicki, one that causes me to refer to her on a first-name basis. I also might have sent my company a Minaj-themed Christmas card. I have a Nicki Minaj Pandora station tailored specifically for workouts, and her songs have pushed me through training runs, tough, hot halves, and finally my first full marathon! She is my muse.

In all seriousness, I admire Nicki because she does her own thing and simply does not give a sh*t. Her Instagrams are real and hilarious, she shatters the patriarchy with her unapologetic vulgarity, and most importantly, her words have become my running anthems, even when they have nothing to do with running at all!

You know what kind of people motivate runners to push past barriers and achieve breakthrough performances? Coaches. The logic is clear: Nicki Minaj would be the best running coach ever.

{NOTE: Since we’re talking about Nicki, keep in mind that each video is probably ***NSFW*** (and if it’s not, I question the propriety of the establishment that employs you). Best put on some headphones and play the videos on your next treadmill run.}

1. She leads her runners through self-confidence exercises.

Feeling Myself – (feat. Beyoncé) This is the ultimate girl power anthem. It was on a half marathon playlist, but I ended up listening to it on repeat when I encountered some unexpected hills!
Favorite lyrics: B*tches ain’t got punchlines or flow / I have both and an empire also

I wrote my own version of this about runners. Enjoy!
I’m with some fit girls lookin’ back at it
And some fast girls in my time bracket
Got a Boston jacket that let champions have it
These running shoes is a bad habit

2. She’ll show you how to race like a Bee

Beez in the Trap – This gem opens with the lyrics, “Bitches ain’t shit and they ain’t sayin’ nothin.'” I was hooked from that line forward. The lyrics are berserk and nonsensical, even with the assistance of Urban Dictionary, and I love them from the bottom of my runner’s heart. But at its heart Beez is all about releasing that inner rage out on the race course, like, well, a bee in a trap!

Favorite lyrics: I beez in the trap, bee, beez in the trap (of course!)

3. She believes in faking a pro-running career until you make a pro-running career.

Did it on em – Another song where she demonstrates her love for the words “bitch” and “shit.” She makes me feel rich although I’m a lowly writer dreaming about a bad Chanel bag habit.
Favorite lyrics: B*tch I get money so I does what I pleases!

4. She espouses sports(wo)manship and body positivity.

Only – (feat. Drake, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne) This one is not for prudes. Well, none of these are for prudes actually. In Only, Nicki is addressing media rumors that she slept with the artists she is featuring in this particular tune. How boss is that? She wrote a song to address a rumor! The beat is fun and pushed me to a blisteringly hot finish at the Chicago half last year. Replace “hoes” with a running related term in this, and you’ve got automatic motivation.

Favorite lyrics: Dez hoes couldn’t test me even if they name was “pop quiz”

5. She (and her assistant coach) are all about girl power!

Flawless – Remix This is a Beyoncé song featuring Nicki. I rigged my first full marathon playlist so that I heard this in the late, hard mileage. At mile 23, Nicki and Bey made me feel like a freakin’ queen who was soon to cross the finish line and be showered by millions of dolla bill$. Alas, I was covered in salt, not gold.
Favorite lyrics: ‘Cause I score before I ever throw the ball

Thanks for all the dirty lyrics, Nicki. You’re basically my coach.

I'm a student of law and life. A Jill of all trades, master of none. But I'm hoping to master something, sometime. ;) Preferably a sub-23 5k and a sub-4 marathon!

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