If you’re like most American runners, you grew up with dreams of becoming a professional athlete. But, like most Americans, discovered training is kinda hard, so you turned your sights on something anyone can do to achieve fame, fortune and followers. First you blogged. Then you ‘grammed. Then you even podcasted. But that big sponsorship never seemed to materialize.
And that is no fair!
Everyone who has ever run is a serious runner. Every runner deserves a special port-a-potty. And every runner is just as inspiring as an Olympian. Sure maybe you don’t actually take running that seriously, and maybe you haven’t dedicated your life to the sport. Maybe you don’t even know what the rules are, but so what? You deserve all the adjectives, perks, and respect you bigly dream of.
Normally, getting signed as a professional athlete requires years of intense training, many sacrifices, incredibly hard work, good genes, and toughness beyond the wildest dreams of mere mortals. Remember when sport was about pushing the physical limits of humankind?
Not anymore! Now you—yes you!—can have it all with a spot on the SaltyValu™ Pro® Running Team.
Never mind that you haven’t run in the four weeks since your last marathon, just check this box: [ ], and you’re in! With SaltyValu™ as your sponsor, you and every person capable of checking said box are real professional athletes and can count yourselves among legends like Paula Radcliffe or Mary Keitany.
But wait! There’s more!
Act now and even with very little commitment to an athletic lifestyle, you can become a SaltyValu™ Pro® Pro for no additional cost to you! Go all in as a Pro® Pro, and you’ll enjoy many amenities previously reserved for only the most elite athletes, such as:
- Free license to use #GoProPro on all social media posts.
- The smug satisfaction that comes with telling people like the grocery bagger or your hair dresser that you’re a professional professional.
- A team of awesome broads who will tell you you’re fabulous and a huge inspiration for — living!
Now, thanks to SaltyValu™, runners everywhere can enjoy the perks of being a pro, all without actually having to train! When you sign your contract, other professional runners will surely welcome you to their ranks!†
How will we send you all the swag without your address? Good question! Because you’re getting in on this amazing opportunity on the ground floor, why settle for a dollar when we can do you one better: nothing! The swag is in the title. Now that you’re a real pro pro runner, all you have to do is bandy that about at will, and everything you’ve ever wanted for your next race will come to you. Want access to that VIP toilet before your next race? Just head to the elite runner’s corral and ask the volunteer, “Do you know who I am?!” Voila! All that impossible stuff you bigly dream of really can come true!*
†SaltyValu™ is not responsible for physical or emotional injury resulting from traditionally professional runner rejection.
*SaltyValu™ is not responsible for physical or emotional injury resulting from asking others if they know who you are.
™ SaltyValu™ does not actually offer anything of actual value and is a (bad) joke (that probably only we think is funny).