If you haven’t heard, we here at Salty Running have started a new brand of products and services we call SaltyValu™. Like everyone, we are super excited about the Quadrennial Contest of Athleticism kicking off down in the Southern Hemisphere tonight! (We know, we know, as a media company with a fake line of products and as a sponsor of precisely zero Olympians, Rule 40 doesn’t apply to us, but you can never be too careful).
And speaking of controversies, with the International Olympic Committee mired in scandal and rumors of corruption, we decided the time is now to launch our competing Games. That’s right! SaltyValu™ Every-Fourth-Year International Sporting Festival Planning is here to help you organize a Global Celebration of Brawny Feats! For just three easy installments of $9.99 billion in small, unmarked bills and seven years of advance notice we can almost guarantee to have the venue ready before the guests arrive!
Yes, we hear your concerns. $29.97 billion?! We’re gonna need a bigger suitcase. Indeed! And also, it may seem like a lot of money. Certainly more than $29,699,999,999.99. But just look at the five ways our Sporting Festival will be better than the Olympics. The results will speak for themselves.
We’ll only give face lifts to actual members of our organizing committee, not their spouses.
Sure, we’ll still fill our organizing committee with our cronies, like college roommate Ted from Boise, Aunt Bertha out in Santa Fe, but by following the IOC model, we’ll develop an approach for choosing them that’s way more fun! First, of course, we’ll sort the list by net worth. You’ll invite your richest friends, obvs – never know when you might need them, but we’ll have real integrity as we watch our non-rich friends slave for years to come within millimeters of meeting an arbitrary, superhuman standard.
Our water will only have a 98% chance of infecting swimmers with flesh eating bacteria, our shores will contain 50% fewer dismembered body parts, and we swear our bathroom fixtures will both operate correctly and not disintegrate on contact.
For slightly less than $30 billion dollars we feel confident we could find venues and athlete housing that are slightly less likely to harm, disgust, maim, or kill participants than the IOC.
We certify that all the people displaced for our Athletic Festival will be assholes and that we’ll only build on top of cemeteries full of mean people no one loved anyway.
Our SaltyValu Quadrennial International Athletic Festival will certainly feature an assortment of extremely fit and colorful-spandex-clad people who will entertain you and your guests with their astonishing skills. From synchronized swimming to running freakishly fast to launching themselves over a high bar with the aid of a bendy fiberglass pole, there’s something for everyone here, but we won’t make them live in dilapidated shacks on ground that used to hold other dilapidated shacks.
We’ll bribe officials with suitcases full of polo shirts and spandex, and give the actual cash to the athletes who are the ones making the event a thing.
Of course you want your guests to go home with a reminder of the evening. No self-respecting IOC insider leaves the Olympics with less than a literal stack of cash, but at the SaltyValu™ Games, let’s give the board members the white suits and jaunty hats and give the cash to the athletes who, you know, actually do the sports.
Even with slightly less than $30 billion dollars, we’ve run into a problem.
We are highly disappointed with the subcontractor responsible for coming up with item number 5 on this list. Their last-minute attempt at constructing this vital list item collapsed, but don’t worry, the people responsible have been sacked.
Would you hire us to plan your 1/25th of a Century Multinational Sports Extravaganza?