Order Your Salty Valu™ NuYu Today!!
Are you imperfect? Are you sick of it? Do you wish you could overcome all the manufactured problems in your life to become the best runner and best you you can be in 2017?
We’re pleased to announce our #NewYearNewYou diet and exercise programs. Everyone, even runners, makes New Year’s resolutions. We help ensure that you actually stick to them. We all know to run our best we must be our best. That’s why our programs help you cast out hellfiends from your gut and even literally grow a whole new you! Don’t lose out – take advantage of these amazing offers NOW, before they evaporate in a puff of pipe dreams!
21 DAY LITERAL NUYU™
Three pounds over your race weight? Injured? A woman in today’s society? If you answered yes, then you too are fed up with your entire body. We’re here to help. Regenerate a new one completely in 21 days. #newyearcompletelynewbody
Science says it takes three weeks to build a habit. Likewise, it takes at least three weeks to build your new body from toes to neck in just 30 minutes a day.* Shape your knees, form a more cooperative IT band, revive your pancreas, even grow a new kidney.**
Full DVD set for 27 easy daily payments of $88.99, or one-year online streaming membership $24.50 per minute.
*For best results cryogenically preserve head before beginning regimen.
** Results not typical.
EXORCISM30 – Let us change your afterlife.
We all know that imperfection is often caused by a hole in one’s soul, also known as demonic microbes in the gut. Find freedom from possessed digestion with our incredibly restrictive and possibly OCD-triggering list of things† you can and can’t put in your mouth for 30 whole days.
Find out more at www.exorcism-30.biz. Full program includes a bottle of frankincense and myrrh for silver-bulletproof coffee, ampoules of holy water, meal plans, coaching, and other support for your digestive re-entry from the spirit world into the world of the living.
And don’t worry. After the green puke stage, you’ll be running better than ever!
Complete kit: $66.66. Includes weekly online coaching with a certified exorcism professional.
† Spicy food, shitty protein bars, plankton, algae, gravel, birdseed, cat food, dry dog kibble, or any other foodstuff designed for non-human creatures.
With every purchase of one of our NuYu™ programs, receive a FREE! NuYu™ Stone Soup powder and recipe book. Our magic 917-ingredient all-natural‡ powder guarantees health, vitality, stamina, long flowing tresses and an always-sunny disposition. Just like in a fairy tale. Add it to any already very nutritious smoothie or cereal to make your smoothie or cereal even more very nutritious.
7-day sampler pack, $49. Choose one of three luscious flavors: fireplace ash, artisanal sawdust, or Peruvian alpaca dander ($4.99 up-charge).
‡ Just trust us on this. Thankfully the FDA doesn’t really care who uses this term or whether or not it’s true or what it actually even means.
Are you ready to try one of our New Year NuYu™ programs?!