In Saltyville we like to say “We Put the F in Friday.” That means that on the fifth day we get a little saltier than usual. We have some fun, get a little crazy, make up characters, products, laugh at ourselves and the running community at-large and try to spice things up, because, you know, sometimes runners take themselves just a little too seriously. Enjoy!
Hiii Salty Runners! Fay Moore here, your SaltyValu™ Instagram Fitspo Analyst and Self-Esteem Guru. I’m so excited to come to you with this special guest post about how to move on with your life now that you’ve learned to love your legs even though they have disgusting skin on them that moves.
Here at SaltyValu™ we’re all about the real talk, so let’s start with some real, empowering talk about our bodies. Do you ever look in the mirror and just see a giant pile of disgusting flaws? I don’t, which is a bit strange because I spend hours looking in the mirror, so you’d think I’d find something.
Fortunately there’s another great source for self-judgement of vile body flaws: photos. Specifically running photos. Do my arms look that chunky in real life? Why are my boobs just these deflated balloons? Are my teeth really the whitest they could be?
I can hear your groans from here, but bear with me. I said I was going to help you move on, and I will. Aren’t you sick and tired of bemoaning-and-then-#sobravely-celebrating your race day cellulite tsunamis? Aren’t you tired of judging yourself and then empowering others with the same flaws?
Well wake up, runners! Here are five brand new never-before-revealed-for-the-purpose-of-going-viral flaws that you can be the first to post about on Instagram this spring!
#RBA – Resting Bitch Ankles
Your face beams a cute little girl-next-door smile that says “tee hee sorry I just chicked you but I’m really super unthreatening and totally not that fast” – but your ankles are telling everyone off. And if you’re like most perfectly-normal, otherwise lovely women, you don’t even know it. Tame that testy talus, girl! Or at least wear those weird compression ankle socks to cover it up (and get an ambassadorship in the process, girl!).
#OCT – Off-color Toenails
Everyone else’s marathoner toenails are black, but you have a horrible secret … yours are actually this weird shade of olive green. It’s time to bring barefoot running back so you can reveal your secret shame, and become an internet sensation.
#RunScap – Runner Scapula
Runner Face is easy to self-diagnose: just look in the mirror. But runner’s scapula? Hard to notice … until you see that accidental shot of your back in someone else’s post-race Instagram. Holy GROSS! Here you thought all those people behind you at the race were judging your thigh jiggle, but their eyes never got that far, glued to the horror of what surrounds your racer-back: your tanned, leathery shoulder blades bulging from between your back muscles like they’re not hideous and shameful. Don that strappy bra! Embrace the #runscap! Start a movement!
#PRS – Ponytail Rigidity Syndrome
Limited ponytail range of motion is a serious disorder that hasn’t gotten enough publicity … until now. Is the bounce angle of your ponytail exactly 60 degrees followed by a perfect S-shape? How does it behave when it’s soaked with sweat (ewwww)? Set up your phone to take a video and run past it however many hundreds of times it takes to get that pony bouncing like a 10! Reveal how many takes it took in your caption. Crowds will go wild.
#FBSS – Full-body Shame Spiral
When you hate your body so much that it starts hating itself for you, spontaneously twisting into a literal spiral shape from the shame overload! Not hot, ladies. Cases of this are on the rise, so watch out! Instagram photo likes have been found to have a protective effect, especially when said photo goes viral.
How will you be wielding the patriarchy’s favorite tool to your advantage this short-shorts season?