All of us here at Salty love running and many of us love politics. No, we don’t all agree on everything, but we always have a lively and productive conversation. Sometimes, we’ve shared that with you. Back during the presidential primaries we considered which candidate was the best runner. We took a quiz to figure out who the best candidate for us was based on our running. And we expounded on how to Make Running Great Again™.
As election day draws near (finally!), inspired by all the debate zingers, we wonder what this campaign would be like if Hillary and Donald were running a race rather than running for president. So come along with Bergamot to an alternate universe where she cheers on the sidelines while our favorite NBC Olympic announcers, Tom, Kevin and crew, describe the race of the century, not for the White House, but rather an almost-expired gift certificate to the local running store and a plastic trophy shaped like a person with terrible running form.
Tom: At the starting line of the Presidential Race, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump have donned their singlets and toed the line for a race like no other we’ve seen.
Kevin: That’s right, Tom. All you have to do is take one look at the competitors, and you’ll see right away that there’s a big disparity between the way they’ve chosen to represent their teams. In the left lane you’ll see Hillary doing all the traditional drills and strides we’ve come to expect before a race of this caliber. Likewise, she looks the part, wearing all the signature emblems of her team, the Democrats. However, instead of traditional briefs she’s chosen a pair of tights and a singlet that look shockingly like a Ralph Lauren pantsuit.
Tom: Is it just me or is that outfit not on right? It makes me want to ask her, “Is it crooked, Hillary?”
Kevin: Right, Tom. We’ve never had a woman at this level of racing before and her fashion sense is definitely distinct. But otherwise, she is far more conventional a competitor than her opponent.
Tom: Yeah. There she is doing her standard 20 minute pre-race jog with some of her teammates: that’s Elizabeth Warren in the green, Hillary’s pacer Tim Kaine on her right, and bringing up the rear there is Michelle “Guns” Obama waving to the crowd and urging them to cheer Hillary on.
Kevin: She certainly does have a tight-knit team, Kevin. I hear they plan to get out and work this race using the power of the pack.
Tom: Yes, I think this is a favorite strategy of the Democrats’ very popular coach, Barack Obama. What a stark contrast to her competitor Donald J. Trump there on the right of your screen.
Kevin: You can say that again, Tom. As you can see here, Donald finished running his warmup and headed back to the locker room, but his teammate Mike Pence is so far behind him you have to wonder if they’re on the same page today. Earlier I asked Donald what his strategy was and he said he couldn’t tell me; he wanted to “keep us in suspense.” Later we asked Mike what the race strategy was and he assured us it was to race together.
Tom: I guess it’s up to us what to believe then, Kevin.
Kevin: True. Our special correspondent Billy Bush is with Donald in his locker room to see how he is feeling pre-race, let’s hear what he has to say. Billy?
[camera cuts to Billy standing in a golden locker room with luxurious velour covered marble benches]
Billy, unaware his feed is live: Yeah, did you see those legs in that running skirt?
Donald, also unaware of the live mic, and flexing in front of a mirror: When you’re as fast as me, they’ll let you do anything! I grab their —
Tom: Um, guys.
Billy: What? Oh, oh … Uh, yes I am here in Donald Trump’s locker room where I get to talk like every man in America does, right, Tom?
Tom: Uh …
Billy: Anyway, so today’s race was pretty expensive, Don, and that Hillary has been working hard raising funds to get herself and her team here prepared. Did you just pay out of your own pocket?
Donald, grunting: Pay? I didn’t pay an entry fee. That makes me smart.
Billy: Ok, then. How do you think you’re going to do against Hillary? Sources say she’s been training hard, even adding in some yoga.
Donald: She’s just a nasty runner, she can’t win. She should be DQ’d and banned from the sport and when I win I’ll make sure of it. Speaking of winning, my win today is going to be tremendous. So yuge. The best win you’ve ever seen. I’ll probably get multiple sponsorship offers. Russia even said I can have a spot on their 2020 Olympic team. You’ll see. Speaking of, I need to get back to the starting line-
Billy: So there you have it, Tom and Kevin. Isn’t this guy hilarious?!
Tom: Ok. Back at the starting blocks we can see the few of Trump’s teammates who came to support him watching the warmup. They look nervous, Kevin.
Kevin: Indeed they do, Tom. Donald was a longshot for this race, especially since he’s only been training with the Republicans for a short while. While most of his teammates publicly say they’re supporting him, many of them were hoping to field any other possible runner from their team. You can see that many didn’t even show up to cheer for him. He’s also shirked the traditional red singlet of the Republicans, preferring instead to race shirtless in orange.
Tom: But the Republican fans love the guy! They’ve come out in force to support him, many of them are calling for a bloodbath. Some of the race signs out there! And as warm-ups come to a finish, you can see them cheering wildly as Donnie appears and waves to them.
[camera cuts to the starting line]
Donald: “I’m gonna do great. I’m gonna do real great. I have a winning personality!”
Fans: “LOCK IT DOWN! LOCK IT DOWN!”
Hillary: “Oh Donald, I know you live in your own reality, but I prepared for this marathon. Do you know what else I prepared for? I also prepared to win.”
Fans: “He goes low! You go high!”
[back to the studio]
Kevin: And as we can see, the competitors are lining up on the blocks … and there’s the gun, well, air horn. If you recall, Tom, Obama confiscated all the guns.
Tom: Out of the gate Hillary takes the lead, but surprisingly Donald is much closer than we expected.
Kevin: Yeah, who would have thought the crowds would be lining up for Donald like this. I think he’s feeding off of their energy, bigly.
Tom: He looks so much more disciplined than we’ve ever seen him. He seems to be racing this race far more conventionally than we expected from someone so new to the racing scene. And clearly this strategy is working.
Kevin: Yes, but as we know it’s really going to come down to who has more stamina to get the job done.
Tom: There’s the first mile marker. Hillary seems to be picking up the pace. Donald is floundering a little. He’s now veering off course. Where is he going, Kevin?
Kevin: I have no idea Tom. This is unprecedented. We’ve never seen a candidate run off course like that. Let’s go to our special correspondent on the sidelines with the Republican Team. Anderson?
Anderson: Hi Kevin. I’m here with Paul Ryan, captain of the Republicans. Paul, is going off course like that part of the Republican strategy?
Paul: Anderson, I do not condone that strategy.
Anderson: But do you still want Donald to win?
Paul: I’m no longer attending the post-race party.
[Paul storms off]
Anderson: Kevin and Tom, you heard it here first. Paul Ryan is not happy with Donald Trump’s strategy. Back to you.
Kevin: Thanks, Anderson. Well, back on the course and it looks like Donald is back on track and is catching back up to Hillary. But look! The course is different from the course map to accommodate some construction. Do the racers know?
Tom: Sources close to the Democrats tell me that Hillary’s teammate Donna works for the city and tipped Hillary off about the course changes.
Kevin: Could Hillary be DQ’d over this?!
Tom: Well, it does not appear Donna or Hillary intended to give Hillary an advantage by telling her this, although it does demonstrate a terrible lack of judgment. But you better believe Donald and the Republicans are going to fight over this and might even claim the race is rigged in Hillary’s favor.
Kevin: Rigged? Really? I think we should go back to Anderson who is now live with Donald’s coach Kellyanne Conway.
Anderson: Kellyanne, we hear Donald wants to call this race rigged before it’s even over. Is that true?
Kellyanne: While Donald did utter the words “this” and “race” and “is” and “rigged” in one sentence, he does not think it is rigged in the literal sense. Just that you in the media are rigging it by saying that he isn’t in the lead. And just because he’s currently 13 seconds behind Hillary with a mile to go, does not mean he’s losing. He’s a winner, Anderson, and we all know it.
Kevin: It seems like we lost the feed to Anderson, or maybe he quit. I’m not quite sure, Tom. But look! We have a quarter mile to go and race official Comey is out there and he’s saying that there is an email suggesting that someone in the Hillary camp might be doping, but they might be taking vitamins, or maybe it was a great new offer on one of those Ninja blenders, or it could be nothing. Hillary sure looks confused by all the hubub, doesn’t she, Tom?
Tom: Yes, but look at Donald! All this confusion on the Democrats’ team has given him a surge of energy. He’s catching up and he’s catching up fast. He might pull this out after all!
Kevin: Everyone is talking about this potentially race-ending email. Let’s go to our correspondent with the Democrats, Andrea Mitchell, who’s live with occasional-Democrat Bernie Sanders.
Andrea: Bernie do you have any comment on this email controversy?
Bernie: The American people are sick and tired of hearing about this damn email.
Andrea: Last time you raced Hillary, you said you didn’t think she was qualified to win. Do you still feel that way?
Bernie: Let me be clear. Hillary Clinton will make an outstanding winner of this race.
Andrea: Thank you, Mr. Sanders. Tom.
Tom: Wow. Who would have thought Bernie would be one of her biggest cheerleaders?
Kevin: With just minutes left in the race, Michelle Obama has picked up the mic. What is she saying?
Michelle: Come on, Team Democrats! Especially you ladies, let our voices be heard! When they go dirty, we go clean! Don’t boo, cheer!! Get out there and CHEER! Come on Hillary!!
Kevin: Oh my god, Tom! Melania Trump is wrestling Michelle for the mic —
Melania: I am against these words, Team Republicans! When they go low, we go high! Go high! To be, or not to be? That is the question.
[back in the studio]
Tom: The finish line is in sight! Both candidates are giving it their all! Donald is lobbing sticky Gu packets at Hillary, but she seems undeterred!
Kevin: Is that Joe Biden?! He’s emerged from the crowd and is racing toward Donald with his fists up, is he going to make good on his fighting comments?!
Tom: WAIT! What is that? Hillary’s about to hit a wall.
Kevin: You mean “The Wall”, Tom?
Tom: No! A beautiful wall built by Mexico across the middle of the road!
Kevin: Wow! Somehow she managed to get by it, but now they’re neck and neck! The tape is right there! Who will break it first?!?!!
Tom: What the h–
Homo sapiens: 128,000BC – 2016AD
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This one was a team effort between the big league nasty women Bergamot, Pimento, Cinnamon, and Salty.