Originally posted in 2016.
Introducing our new slogan: Make Running Great Again™!
Why might we change our slogan from the perfectly adequate “Get Chicked™”? Well, these are dark times in running, between the USATF infringing on athletes’ rights, to the doping epidemic and EPO flooding our borders, to the biased media indoctrinating us with the idea that we have any business spending hours training for marathons. And we long for the good old days, when people whistled while they worked, people knew where to sit on the bus, and we women had fewer choices to confuse us.
Yes, America! We must go back when women were thrown out of the Boston Marathon, and when we could never dream beyond running 800 meters in an Olympic Games, but only manly chicks did that anyway, so we didn’t bother with that dream.
It’s time, America! We’re going to turn back the clock and Make Running Great Again™! It’s gonna be a YUGE success!
Girls will be able to focus on important subjects at school again. Back when running was great, back before Title IX was a thing, our schools offered women real valuable lessons for the real world. Typing. Home Ec. Real women know how to use a sewing machine. Theoretical women run track.
We will be pretty again. I promise you the time is coming when we can once again wear heels without worrying about our achilles, we can wear mascara without worrying about sweat making it run, we can throw away all that putrid smelling tech fabric in favor of toile and velvet and lace. Boobs and the people who love them everywhere will thank us. Free from the effects of high mileage and the spandex squish, they may regain their abundant shape once more. No more settling for sub-3. When we Make Running Great Again™, we can all be 10s.
Slim will be in again. Today, ladies and gentleman, we are dealing with an epidemic. No, I’m not talking about the horrible obesity epidemic, which is really pretty pathetic when you think about it. No, what is far worse is the epidemic of self-centeredness among women wasting time trying to be healthy while maintaining an acceptable weight. Women of a bygone era knew you could efficiently maintain your waistline, not by running miles and miles, but by smoking and uppers. Folks, we must go back to this time.
Our homes will be clean again. Back when America and running were so great, I mean sooooo GREAT, like the greatest, we didn’t bother with things like planning our next big goal race. Goal setting was hitting our budget at the grocers, mopping our floors to the perfect shine, and perfecting the straightness of the vacuum lines in our shag carpets. We must clean the sh*t out of our homes, folks. I mean it. That’s what we’re gonna do when we Make Running Great Again™.
We’ll all be on time again. Remember when an appointment was penciled into a day-planner and people actually arrived on time, when the only thing preventing us from leaving for preschool pick-up was whether Luke and Laura were going to get back together? We weren’t trying to squeeze in a seven-miler, to finish in time to wipe just enough sweat off to not be embarrassing, before speeding to avoid finding our kid alone with a teacher who looks like she has bl … uh. (You know where that was going, but I just can’t say it.)
Men everywhere will finally be taken care of so they can focus on their goals again. Lately, our society has invested far too much energy in ensuring women have the ability to achieve their dreams. But what about the men? For too long, men’s needs have been cast aside and ignored, all in favor of so-called women’s empowerment. But when we Make Running Great Again™, America, and we finally focus on men’s needs for a change, imagine how fast your husband could be. Imagine ditching your singlets and donning your apron. Imagine, instead of spending all the time you currently spend running yourself, you took care of his many needs, like preparing his meals and snacks, massaging his sore muscles, and giving him the pre-race you-know-what he deserves.
Oh, yeah, if you’re not married, don’t worry. When we turn back the clock and Make Running Great Again™, you’ll say F it and settle. Because a beautiful piece of … (gah! so gross!) like you, I’d bet you’d make a great wife.
What else would be amazing if we Make Running Great Again™?