Below is a partial transcript of the United Promoters of Yearly Optional Updates of Running Shoes (UPYOURS) annual meeting compiled after listening to a tape provided to us by a friend of an attendant of the meeting on the condition of anonymity. We sought a response from UPYOURS Chairwoman, Lacey Knotts, who refused to comment.
UPYOURS Chairwoman Lacey Knotts: Good morning. Today we running shoe designers from far and wide have convened to discuss how to greatly improve the running shoes that we greatly improved last year and the year before that and twice the year before that and so on and so forth. We would do the running masses a great disservice to allow them to run in the incredibly inadequate models on store shelves today. Yes, runners may love them, but what do they know? We know better and we must save all runners from themselves and their incorrect opinions about toe boxes and stack height and that the new pain they might feel in their arch from a new model will be offset by the many great blessings of improved technologies.
[Meeting called to order at 10 a.m. by Lacey Knotts, President of the Association]
Bean Counter Dude
MOTION from Melissa Uno to reduce costs by using surplus laces originally manufactured for children’s shoes, but to market them as a hot new color-scheme randomization trend with short laces that encourage finger flexibility and strength as they are tied.
MOTION from Bean Counter Dude to further reduce costs to the industry by $91,400,000 yearly via 0.68mm reduction in shoe width per year across all brands. Once consumers have come to view blisters as inevitable (and podiatrists have cashed in, see also Special Collaboration with Professional Foot Fixer Federation (PFFF) make all shoes really wide just for laughs (and to boost orthotic sales).
[Dollar bills are shredded and thrown in the air in celebration.]
MOTION from J. Brooks to create special “0.0”-themed shoes to capture the market of those people with “0.0” stickers on their cars — opposite of the race-themed-shoes market.
MOTION from Sol Coney to revolutionize color selection by using a process that combines natural and supernatural forces: OBOB, otherwise known as the Ostrich Byproduct and Ouija Boards method. Troops of ostriches will — uh – apply waste onto Ouija boards over a period of several hours; color names and combinations will be created by arranging and rearranging pooped-on letters until vaguely recognizable words result, thus solving the problem that designers are literally out of ideas for color combinations.
[Ostrich crows, then poops, for joy.]
Melissa Uno, out of order: Who invited him?
MOTION from Addie Daas to create new adjectives for shoe characteristics. Research shows consumers may have finally assigned meaning to such terms as “smooth ride,” “responsive cushion,” and “flex groove.” New words are needed to make shoes seem more exciting than last year’s model. Smooth ride should henceforth be described as “slanky,” responsive cushion as Zartpeppigkeit (when in doubt, always look to fake German words), flex grooves as “bendy chasms.” Working Group on Plausible Fake Adjectives can brainstorm further.
[muttering about not wanting to become parodies of selves]
MOTION from Alicia Six to discontinue most popular models of every shoe brand, just so we can bring it back later after a lot of people have complained. This will make it look like we really care and listen. And we can call it a “classic” or “retro.”
[Awkward silence. Throat-clearing from J. Brooks.]
MOTION from Melissa Uno to buy all this year’s models to use as fuel for the UPYOURS annual bonfire, which coincidentally would prevent runners from finding the models they actually like on sale.
MOTION … [tape stops]
What do you think happened next?