Oh, I need to sleep nine hours a night for optimal performance? Whatever, dude. I f*ing hate sleep. I love not having enough time in my day for self-care and when my alarm blares in the middle of the one REM cycle I get a night.
I scoff at the reports that women need more sleep than men. What a joke. Ick! I’m practically breaking out in hives thinking about letting my muscles recover underneath my cozy blankets. I’d rather use my more complex brain to scrub the kitchen floor, duh. After my run, of course.
Quit telling me I need more sleep, because, really? Why would I do something I hate this much just to run a little faster?
I envy the women who have to get up extra early to drive to a safe location or meet friends to run safely. If only I had a reason to slash that extra hour of sleep, but, alas, I have a treadmill in the basement.
Fortunately, I am the mother of a toddler. Now that he’s three, he’s starting to literally fall asleep on the job of waking me up several times a night. But I do give him some credit: the wake-ups during his first year were almost enough for a lifetime supply.
Pro-tip! If you also hate sleep, try getting a baby or a puppy. Even cats are fantastic!
Oh yeah. I can also loan you a few worries to help keep sleep at bay: long runs, workout paces, fueling, and more. Have a life outside running? Ward off the ZZZs with deep thoughts about world peace, climate change, and that day job that funds your running habit.
I keep hearing that a runner needs to rest to get faster. But I have to assume that this means one does need to actually run. When life hands me the choice of running at 10:00 p.m. or 5:00 a.m. or not at all, I almost always choose the run. But I could run faster if I just slept more? Weird!
I do want to get faster, though. Really. So I will take the super simple steps of reducing my daily responsibilities and flipping that cute little “off” switch on my brain for a solid eight hours of lame-o sleep. That’s daily total, not weekly. If I make this huge sacrifice, certainly the Nike contract will arrive in my mail post-haste. Then I can finally put a maid, cook, nanny, and personal organizer on my own payroll and sleep for nine, ten, eleven …
Oh. What? Huh?
Sorry. I must have dozed off for a second.
Anyway, everyone just quit with the sweet advice to “just sleep more!” My life is full and, dare I say, #soblessed. Compared to running and all the other things I love, I f*ing hate sleep.
How do you feel about F*ing sleep?