Below is a partial transcript of the United Promoters of Yearly Optional Updates of Running Shoes (UPYOURS) annual meeting compiled after listening to a tape provided to us by a friend of an attendant of the meeting on the condition of anonymity. We sought a response from UPYOURS Chairwoman, Lacey Knotts, who refused to comment.
In a city most often nationally televised for sports — basketball, football, horse racing — last summer was no different. When Muhammad Ali died, our city stopped. Ali was born in Louisville, Kentucky, in 1942. His childhood home, painted pink, opened as a museum just a week before his death. He died June 3, 2016, at the age of 74.
Like Ali, I’m a native Louisvillian and I’ve spent my life admiring “The Greatest.” Despite our local newspaper refusing to call him by his changed name for years — and despite being refused a seat in a “whites-only” restaurant after winning the 1960 Olympic gold medal — Ali loved Louisville. He still spent much of his time here until his death, and the eponymous multicultural center he founded is focused not on boxing but on Ali’s Six Core Principles and “being great and doing great things.”
Tabbs was particularly dismayed because he had a really good spray tan the day before and took the time to do a quick set of push-ups before stripping off his shirt to start his three-mile run along the crowded all-purpose trail.
“I read in a magazine that when women run in public, that guys scream at them about how hot they are, and I was like, I want that!” said Tabbs. Despite venturing out with only a pair of shorts covering his glistening, muscular body, not a single woman loudly advised Tabbs of his level of attractiveness.
“I even tried scowling as I passed an older lady walking her shi-tzu,” said Tabbs. “She didn’t even tell me to smile.” Read more >>
I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself considering that I haven’t started yet, but I do feel like running has prepared me, at least mentally, for the biggest challenge of my life yet — law school. Three months out from orientation, I feel motivated, energized, and slightly intimidated, quite like I do when I start marathon training!
This is not merely a coincidence. No, I believe that all those training cycles in my past have uniquely prepared me for the rigors of law school. Read more >>
Do you run in fear this time of year as the flocks of transient visitors hiss menacingly and refuse to budge despite your attempts to play nice? Do you skip your mid-run gel because they’re begging threateningly and you accidentally made eye contact with their black, soul-less gaze? Have you resorted to changing your routes or carrying repellent on your runs to avoid an actual physical confrontation?
It’s time to take back our parks.
We are excited to announce the first annual SaltyValu™ Canada Goose 5k. The Goose is a virtual, bibless race that will take place Saturday, June 31. Main participation will be in Columbus, Ohio, with simultaneous sister races popping up all over the g*d* country, wherever Canada Geese have staked their spring-time claim. This is no wild goose chase, our mission is clear: We will reclaim our bike paths and pond-side trails from this non-native, alien species!
Ever have one of those days when you’re jamming to circa 1999 Ludacris in your Subaru Outback and a car full of 20-somethings look over at you and you realize you’re not that cool anymore? Imagine lining up for your first college track race … as a 32-year-old.
Sometimes your racing routine needs a dash of something new, like that fresh Aaliyah CD stashed in your car visor. Inspired by Catnip and Ginger — and snubbed by a very-short 5k earlier this season — I ran my first track 5000 in April.
As a high schooler, I ran two seasons of track during which I mediocrely sprinted. If forced, I occasionally went “long” by jumping in on the 4 x 400 meter relay.
I also avoid the track for speed work because it’s just so. many. laps. But after a while, after you’ve accepted 12-mile treadmill runs as normal and ran six miles of speed work on the track out of necessity (and by that I mean lights and water in January), 12.5 laps starts to seem like not so many. Especially if I don’t have to count them.
When I reached out to a college track coach — who is younger than me, by the way, and did recently wallop me by three minutes in a 10k — she was a little, um, dismissive. “In my experience, running on the track is a lot different than racing on the roads.” Well, sure. But that’s not to say racing on the track is different in a bad way!
And I’m not the only Salty who thinks so. Last spring, Poppy ran a track 10,000 after a 16-year hiatus. In March, Spearmint set a new PR at the Stanford Invite. Catnip ran an indoor mile last year; Ginger has hit the track a few times, too!
Here are five things I learned from my long-distance track debut at age 32. Read more >>
Hi everyone! After a lot of thought, I’ve changed my online identity to better reflect who I am on every level. Instead of Olive, you can call me Happiest Healthiest Hungriest Running Mama, or HHHRM for short.
As you all know — and if you don’t, you will soon be reminded every day for the rest of eternity — I recently raced my first Boston Marathon. Here’s a quick recap and what I’ve been up to since the race.
Oh yeah, while I qualified very, very easily, I was given a free entry to the BAA 5K and the Boston Marathon by Krispy Kreme, who selected me for its inspiring Donut-Eaters of Boston Team. A quick #thankyou to the Krispy Kreme for helping get me here!!!!!!
#krispykreme #beboston #donutsofboston #imhot #bostonstrong #bostonmarathon #teamjelly
The week before the race, my doctor told me that I have three stress fractures, but he also said this is no big deal and I can totally still race. #blessed
I was one of those women carried by heroes in the photos from the 2017 Boston Marathon. This is my story.*
My cheek pressed to the pavement. “Damn,” I said to myself. “I have no excuse. I know better and should have been more prepared.”
I was at mile 11 of the Boston Marathon and a raging disaster of a leg cramp had sent me stumbling across an entire traffic lane of Central Street just past the Natick city limits, tripping on another runner’s shoe in the process and culminating in an epic face plant. I thought I could see the 20k up ahead. If I got up and ate a salt tab there would be a water station nearby and I’d be fine to finish.
Then, as if out of nowhere, large hands were hoisting me up. “Thanks, I think I got it. I just need …”
“It’s okay, I’ve got you from here miss!” a burly man shouted into my face as he held me to his side with one arm. Read more >>
This Sunday is the Christian religious holiday Easter and the day after that is Marathon Monday, the special holiday made for the Boston Marathon (or something). While some runners have made numerous comparisons between running and religion, strangely not much has been said about the correlation between Easter candy and the marathon, except maybe this.
More specifically, there are some very interesting similarities between an Easter favorite, the Cadbury Creme Egg, and a marathon favorite, the Boston Marathon. Don’t believe me? See below. Read more >>
In Saltyville we like to say “We Put the F in Friday.” That means that on the fifth day we get a little saltier than usual. We have some fun, get a little crazy, make up characters, products, laugh at ourselves and the running community at-large and try to spice things up, because, you know, sometimes runners take themselves just a little too seriously. Enjoy!
Hiii Salty Runners! Fay Moore here, your SaltyValu™ Instagram Fitspo Analyst and Self-Esteem Guru. I’m so excited to come to you with this special guest post about how to move on with your life now that you’ve learned to love your legs even though they have disgusting skin on them that moves.
Here at SaltyValu™ we’re all about the real talk, so let’s start with some real, empowering talk about our bodies. Do you ever look in the mirror and just see a giant pile of disgusting flaws? I don’t, which is a bit strange because I spend hours looking in the mirror, so you’d think I’d find something.
Fortunately there’s another great source for self-judgement of vile body flaws: photos. Specifically running photos. Do my arms look that chunky in real life? Why are my boobs just these deflated balloons? Are my teeth really the whitest they could be?
I can hear your groans from here, but bear with me. I said I was going to help you move on, and I will. Aren’t you sick and tired of bemoaning-and-then-#sobravely-celebrating your race day cellulite tsunamis? Aren’t you tired of judging yourself and then empowering others with the same flaws?
Well wake up, runners! Here are five brand new never-before-revealed-for-the-purpose-of-going-viral flaws that you can be the first to post about on Instagram this spring! Read more >>
Olive Tarun, 34, took part in the 5K marathon, a three mile-long endurance event, last Saturday at the YMCA. During the event her boyfriend took several photos of her as ordered. Upon completion of the race, she immediately snatched her boyfriend’s phone to review the pictures to choose which one to upload to Instagram. She was dismayed to see that she did not look attractive in all the photos.
“Some of the pictures were really terrible,” said Tarun, giving her boyfriend the side-eye, before snapping a selfie with this reporter.
“I mean, like, the skin on my legs was moving. I thought skin was supposed to be, like, totally firm and immobile while you run? That’s what the Instagram fitness pictures look like.” Read more >>
Yeah, we’ve all seen that meme, the one that’s meant to shove Bertha aside and get us out the door for our run no matter how rational Bertha’s arguments might be.
Cold? Suck it up.
Tired? Too bad.
Something hurts? Wah.
No matter what your excuse is, Mr. Meme here says you’ll always be happy that you got out there and put in the miles.
But that got me thinking. Would there never ever ever ever ever be a time I regretted going for a run?
Race entry fees breaking your bank account? Need a few pairs of comped shoes and some free Gu? Feeling bad about yourself and need some virtual thumbs ups to make yourself feel better? Could you use an extra few million dollars? Becoming an Instagram running sensation is for you! Grab that iPhone, get your cutest running gear, flex those abs and let’s get started.
At a local race last Sunday a woman ahead of me all of a sudden stopped running in order to walk up the steep hill we were on. I run the race course nearly every week, and I know that hill well, so I went full steam and plowed ahead. As I passed the woman she turned to me and said, “You shouldn’t breathe with an open mouth.”
Seriously? Seriously! Read more >>
As a mom of two girls, I’ve seen my fair share of grossness. I’ve caught vomit in my hand, changed diapers, and dealt with multiple food allergy issues that had both GI and congestion related symptoms. But nothing prepared me for the amount of grossness that followed when my youngest came to me and said “Mommy, my head itches.” I crossed my fingers and hoped for dandruff, but unfortunately discovered a small brown bug racing across her sweet, previously undefiled head.
What followed was two months of smelly shampoo, literal nit-picking, calling teachers to warn them that my children were walking hazmat cases, and cleaning up lice corpses out of my sink. The time spent delousing gave me lots of time to think, and I also do not want my suffering to have been in vain. Thus, might we all learn a few things from lice.
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