Are you tired of running through your local park and feeling that familiar squish underfoot as you slip in a fresh pile of green filth left behind by the feathered riffraff?
Do you run in fear this time of year as the flocks of transient visitors hiss menacingly and refuse to budge despite your attempts to play nice? Do you skip your mid-run gel because they’re begging threateningly and you accidentally made eye contact with their black, soul-less gaze? Have you resorted to changing your routes or carrying repellent on your runs to avoid an actual physical confrontation?
It’s time to take back our parks.
We are excited to announce the first annual SaltyValu™ Canada Goose 5k. The Goose is a virtual, bibless race that will take place Saturday, June 31. Main participation will be in Columbus, Ohio, with simultaneous sister races popping up all over the g*d* country, wherever Canada Geese have staked their spring-time claim. This is no wild goose chase, our mission is clear: We will reclaim our bike paths and pond-side trails from this non-native, alien species!
Early bird registration is required and just $35!
Each runner will receive a gender-unspecific t-shirt, custom printable by laying said shirt on the ground and stepping on it post-race. The all-natural green-brown ink, created by the very geese on your race course, will permanently enhance the white tech fabric to memorialize the specific pattern of your race shoe.
You will also receive an entry to our raffle featuring products from our expo sponsors: Gempler (maker of Goose Repellant), Schlitz Foods, and Doggone Geese). A little bird told me that they have been generous with their products!
The 5k course will start at your local favorite running route, continuing through the treeline, around the water and past the field before looping back to finish. The course will be marked by small, squishy green ink pellets. Don’t forget to step on as many as possible, to ensure a great race shirt!
Overall winners will receive:
- A freshly gathered, local, free-range down pillow and…
- a year’s supply of foie gras!
Sorry, no age group prizes, you silly geese; instead, a portion of race registration will be directed toward our nest egg to fund major projects:
- Training programs for goose-herding dogs and contraceptive methods
- Application of grape flavoring to public lawns
- Re-education of well meaning grandparents who encourage children to feed waterfowl
- Support group for victims of goose attacks
- Our re-migration, catch-and-release back to the wilds of Canada program
Race weather is predicted to be warm – no goosebumps for us. See ya there! Last one in is a rotten egg!
*Don’t become a jailbird! Please remember that it is not just mean to hurt Canada geese or their eggs, it is also illegal in some places. Even if they’re assholes.