Big News: We’re Getting Into The Merchandise Game

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Order Your Salty Valu™ Test Today!!

$59.99*

 

Bring Salty Valu™ Drug Testing to your race!

Here’s what testers are saying:

Do you want dopers out of the sport of running, but don’t want to fund the anti-doping agencies? Are you a race director who wants to scare would-be dopers (or people who are afraid of shady chicks in trench coats collecting urine samples) away from your races? Maybe you want your little Apple Dumplin’ Festival 5k to offer drug-testing to lend a little more caché? Maybe you’re a bitter loser who wants to go all “non-violent Tonya Harding” on her opponents. Whatever it is, Salty Valu™ Drug Testing is for you!

Our patent not-pending system is truly the best way to catch those pesky dopers. And with our clever design, and low low price, your race can finally get the results you need—whatever those might be!

Great for personal use too!

“I use EPO regularly, but with Salty Valu™ Drug Testing, I know my prize money is safe! Thanks Salty!” -Anonymous, Chapel Hill, NC

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Here’s what USATF thinks:
USATF spokesperson Ellen D. Osrald says, “Salty Valu™ Drug Testing system is specifically designed to not test any actual, imaginary, or urinary drugs, although pregnancy may result from a failed test. So long as no actual drugs are being tested, the use of the Salty Valu™ Drug Testing system does not violate any of our incomprehensible bylaws or that Rule 40 thing Sally Bergenson keeps complaining about. Salty Valu™ Drug Testing™ system is the USATF approved. We don’t have to fund anti-doping agencies to get the running community to think we are actually doing anything about the problem.”

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I got our local race director to start using Salty Valu™ Drug Testing. And that smug chick who always beats me failed it. Now look at her! HAHAHAHAHAHA! ~Jen. K. Albuquerque

“My next door neighbor started running last summer and then, out of the blue, started beating me, an NCAA All-American, in local 5ks. She trounced me at the the Color Run! I knew she must be doping, and Salty Valu™ Drug Testing gave me an affordable option to know for sure. Turns out she was clean, but I’ll never have to second guess the Warrior Dash finishes again. For my peace of mind, I trust Salty Valu™.” -Laura P., Park City, UT

“I always keep a few on hand, because you never know… Did someone slip one of my runners something in that Gatorade at mile 18? Now I can afford the peace of mind, and also test in the comfort & privacy of my own home.”
-Larisa M, Newport, KY

Is YOUR local race using Salty Valu™ Drug Tests?
If your local race uses Salty Valu™, look for our patented woman in a trench coat hanging out next to a van near the finish line. Testing is easy!

If your local race uses Salty Valu, look for a chick in a trench coat hanging out next to a van near the finish line. Testing will take place behind the van.
If your local race uses Salty Valu, look for a chick in a trench coat hanging out next to a van near the finish line. Testing will take place behind the van.
  1. walk up to the woman in the trench coat
  2. ask for and receive a test.
  3. go behind the van
  4. use the provided cup to collect your sample
  5. dip your Salty Valu™ Stik**

That’s all! It couldn’t be easier to prove that you’re completely innocent to anyone who will take your word for it. If there is any question at all about whether or not you’re playing fair on the course or track, just show doubters your Salty Valu™ Stik and watch them fork over your prize money, medal or age group award. After all, winning is the most important part of running a race. When your pride is on the line, trust Salty Valu™.

*three monthly installments for a total of $179.97
**Salty Valu™ Stik may not be branded as Salty Valu™ and may have writing on it such as (but not limited to) EPT, Clear Blue, First Response or, most likely, Equate.

Sal is a 4 year old 77 hour trail marathoner looking to whittle a few minutes off next time. Being a gastropod, Sal is neither male nor female but will accept either set of pronouns. Sal's spirit animal is the cheetah and Sal's mantra is, "What's slow to some is fast for others." Sal writes about Salty Running news.

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