With my wads of cash piling up under my mattress and nothing to do with it and my total utter awesomeness, I am excited to see that races have wised up enough to start offering me some extra perks: extra perks I deserve. Forget cotton t-shirts, a packet of udder cream (what is that stuff?) and some coupons for the landfill, I want real swag!
Just the other day, I was thinking about how I have all that time before races start with nothing on my mind and nothing to do. Warm-up, shmarm-up. I want pre-race wine and cheese! Oh, that’s just at the expo? Well, darn. Some race director somewhere, hear my plea: offer me a cheese board and a red flight at the starting line, PLEASE!
And that’s just the beginning. Here are 5 other things I would like offered to me at my next race.
1. My own personal cheering squad who will tell me I am winning and that I look hot while doing so.
2. Someone to feed me my gel and squirt a little liquid into my mouth upon thirst. And no, I shouldn’t have to tell them when to do it. And yes, I’d like to be fanned simultaneously.
3. An escort to the starting line: Tom Cruise on his motorcycle. I shall play the part of Katie Holmes circa 2006.
4. The deluxe porta-bidet with my name on it. Because I like feeling like I’m in Europe (and fresh) when I race and my butt does not share.
5. A giant first place trophy and a spot on the podium. Forget training. Forget patience. Where’s my credit card? If I can’t run my way to the top, I shall buy a place there instead!
So Salty readers, what VIP perks must you have? And how do you feel about the whole VIP race perks thing?