First there was minimalism and now, after people finally realized those Vibram things were really not the best, we’ve moved on to maximalism. But forget about all that, let’s talk about Millennialism, because today’s the day I’m converting.
As a member of Generation X (a very young member of Generation X, I might add), hearing about how good Millennials have it gives me #FOMO. My parents made me do stupid stuff because they said so, my teachers weren’t afraid to give me C’s when I did average work, and I was subjected to perms. The nerve! Instead of working on fortifying an already-healthy abundance of self-esteem, my teen years were spent moping in flannel. Perhaps worse, my trainers for high school track practice were those bad Hoka knock-offs, Saucony Jazz. We only knew about brands from the Eastbay catalogue and nutrition meant three squares. I think we even stretched before running. The horror!
Anyway, with all this talk of how good Millennials have it, I decided I’m going to convert.
1. I need more medals in my life.
I used to roll my eyes like a good moper at finisher medals, but now I realize I deserve them! I #wokeuplikethis, put on clothes and strenuously traveled from one place to another. I deserve to be recognized for my achievements!
2. Commitment is overrated.
When I get bored with this whole running thing, it’s on to the next fitness trend. Salty CrossFit, anyone? Salty Barre? Salty Soul Cycle? Salty Crunning?
3. me. Me. ME!
How silly was I to think blogging and social media were about sharing something of value with you. Dudes, from now on it’s all about ME! ME ME ME! Every post will have “I” in the title. And every post will be about some product I’m shilling. And every comment and ‘like’ I give you is only so you’ll like and comment on my stuff, obvs. And if you don’t tell me my selfies are stunning I will get the SADZ for realz. lol.
4. As an elite person, I deserve the best.
Why are elite privileges at races saved for elite runners? That’s bullsh*t! I’m an elite person. I pay my taxes. I make my bed. I eat whole grains. I want a heated tent to hang out in before lining up. I want a real flushing toilet to poop in before I race. I want hot young guys to carry me to my post-race massage after I finish a 5k so that I can be on fleek for my post-race selfie. COME ON, BAE!
5. Oh, have you seen my GoFundMe yet?
I almost forgot! How silly of me, lol! I need your help. You see I have these big running goals (well, next month it might be CrossFit, but that’s beside the point) and I can’t reach them while taking care of my kids, my house, and … my life all by myself. I need a nanny, a housekeeper, a chef to prepare my vegan paleo whole clean cleansing macrobiotic raw diet (sponsored by NutriCanOlogy™), a masseuse, a live-in life coach, a live-in running coach, a live-in personal trainer, an indoor pool for recovery and cross-training, a few more treadmills in my basement in case the one I have gets boring and with all these people and things I’m going to need a bigger house too, because YOLO. But please, this struggle is real. Please help me. It’s a good cause :)
Oh Millennials, I hope you know I’m just a bitter grungy old lady making fun of all the silly stereotypes of you that are not based in reality at all. You know I love you, bae.
Are you a millennial runner? A Gen X’er? A Boomer? How do you think the generations differ when it comes to running, if at all?