I admit that I still run in shorts I bought in 2005. I will go even further and admit I should probably not go out in public in these shorts and that they’re more suited for the trash bin than the light of day. But I have a hard time with that. I wore one such pair for the Boston Marathon! I can’t throw those away! Another, younger, although equally noxious pair of shorts suited me quite well when 9 months pregnant. I will never need them for that again (*knocks vigorously on wood*), but they remind me fondly of all those waddly pregnant miles.
Ok. You’re right. I am a border-line hoarder (although, I prefer the term “sentimental pack rat.”) I think it’s time I wrote myself some rules to help me know when it’s time to part with a pair of shorts no matter how desperately in love with them I am.
1. The smell test no longer indicates whether they are clean or dirty. Put another way, the shorts are now what I like to call a “reverse dryer sheet.” After washing with a name brand high quality detergent and then put into the dryer, these shorts make every other garment in the dryer smell like a post-tempo-run-in-the-summertime arm pit (or worse).
2. Stacy and Clinton would reprise their popular TLC program What Not to Wear if they witnessed you in them.
3. There is not enough Body Glide in the world to save you from the murderous chaffage these shorts inflict on you every single time you wear them. Shorts that used to be kind to your nethers when new may make mince of your crotch when old. When your shorts turn from friend to enemy, banish them to the trash bin or use them to scrub toilets, but do not wear them anymore!
4. The offending shorts leave you within one safety pin failure of indecent exposure. If you have shorts you love but the elastic has decomposed or there’s a split along a seam and you find yourself looking for the safety pins, you know what you need to do. Or if you’re a man I’m married to and the shorts no longer have a liner because it disintegrated several years ago (for the record he still wears them and they offend me when he puts his shoes on if you know what I’m saying) it’s time to say goodbye.
5. Mystery stains. Here’s some math for you.
(white shorts liner + frequent wear) * x years = garbage.
Do you sentimentally cling to a pair of running shorts that should be thrown out? Use the comments to eulogize them and then for the love of all things holy do the right thing!