As. They. Should.
Sweaty crotches. Gross!
They should make a pad for that. Oh! They do!
You know. I’ve been thinking. Sweaty pad-needing crotches are just one of many embarrassing afflictions that can befall a runner woman. That’s why I am launching a new line of products that, like the sweat pad, combat mortal embarrassment.
1. Running shorts with charcoal filter liner. As we discussed on Thursday, passing gas, especially when emitting a foul odor, is a major running no-no. Avoid being that (smelly) runner and don your odor neutralizing running shorts with the charcoal filter on runs the morning after going hog wild at the Mexican buffet. Never again suffer the embarrassment of having a working colon. Never. Again. (There really is a charcoal filtered underwear product that bills itself as the “revolutionary patented underwear recommended by doctors for offensive gas.” Now you know.)
2. Invisible jet pack. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say they can’t go to a particular race because they’d run so (relatively) slow they’d embarrass themselves. And yes, if they ran even 1 second slower than that arbitrary time they have designated as not embarrassing then they should be completely utterly ashamed of themselves. And for that, I would like to offer the invisible jet pack to help speed you along to a race pace you can be proud of.
3. Running colostomy bag. If stopping to “go” during a group run causes you to go flush with intense embarrassment, as it should, these handy moisture wicking colostomy bags that come in your choice of 6 sporty colors are perfect for you. Insert the catheter, strap on the bag to your fuel belt and never have to make a pit stop and admit you have bodily functions in front of other people again. (On a very serious side note, does it bother anyone else when advertisers use the word “go” as a euphemism for “take a crap”?)
4. Brain censor chip. There’s something about running that lets the conversation flow. It’s kinda like how when some parents need to have a serious chat with their teenager, they take them for a drive. It’s the close proximity, but no need for eye contact thing that brings out the usually hard-to-talk-about subjects. And sometimes this can lead to diarrhea of the mouth, which can then lead to a foot in the mouth or a joke that didn’t just fall flat, but completely insulted a member of your running group. Lucky for you over-sharers out there, I can implant this little censor chip in your brain (side effects may include numbness, blindness, boils, uncontrollable malodorous charcoal-resistant flatulence or even death).
5. Running girdle. As a runner, you owe it to humanity to have no more than 12% body fat. Any more and you should hang up the sport and head to Siberia (where you can cover that shit up in a parka). Or should I say, look as if you have more. With the extra-strength running girdle, anyone can look as if she has no more than 12% body fat. Guaranteed. As the ad states, use the running girdle “for when tucking the chub into your tights just isn’t enough.”
What embarrasses you? Can you think of any more products for my line?