Okay, I admit it. Whenever I have a Friday 5 to write, I troll around Gawker looking for the most ridiculous, trite piece of crap “news” I can find, hoping it will inspire me to bring forth a Friday 5 that can stand up next to classics like Snooki and LiLo. For over a year now I have continued to fail again and again to find the perfect pop culture trainwreck to exploit shamelessly for the sake of your amusement…
A week ago, a buddy of mine sent me a link to this Gawker post*, aptly entitled, “The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read.” Considering this is the only “sorority girl email” I’ve ever read, I didn’t think too much of it from the title, but once I read the full text of the email (at the end of the post), I felt confident this was the most deranged sample of human correspondence upon which I have ever lain eyes.
*Just a note in case you’re easily offended by foul language; it contains “the C word” and drops a lot of F-bombs. But if you ask me, the language adds a lot to this thing’s entertainment value.
And then this week at work, half the crew was watching the most amazing video on their phones, over and over, of Michael Shannon’s dramatization of the letter. Perhaps NSFW, because of the language? Perhaps just mildly offensive.
Anyway, now that you know what we’re dealing with here, I give you:
5 Running Lessons From the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Girl Email:
1: When the road ahead looks rough, don’t shy away. The letter starts out, “tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f—— ride.” Just like the intended audience of the email knew there was going to be some verbal abuse coming, we often know when we’re in for a climb up a steep hill or a long, monotonous stretch of road or a crowded race course. This stuff can seem like a real drag, but the best thing you can do to get to the finish line is just to bite the bullet and keep going.
2: Sometimes tough love is the answer. Sometimes it’s not. Know the difference. You can’t escape it, this email is completely berating to the sorority sisters. There are insults so inexplicable in context that they boggle the mind, wrapped in insults so simple and base they seem almost childish. And yet the point seems to be convincing the sisters to do a better job. Hmmm.
If you’re frustrated with your performance, maybe beating yourself up over it isn’t the best way to handle the situation. As runners, we all know how easy it is to get angry over a bad workout or an unsuccessful race, and while anger can be a great motivator, it can also be detrimental to your overall well-being. If getting mad isn’t getting you anywhere with your goals, try being nice to yourself instead and add some extra recovery to your routine. See what self-massage and extra stretching, or a restorative yoga class can do to relieve some of that frustration and help you run better!
3: Know when to bail. This is my favorite part of the whole thing: “If you’re a weird s— that does weird s— during the day, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.” Ahahahahahaha! It makes me giggle so hard to think that someone could possibly decipher to what, exactly, she is referring.
But there’s a lesson here…sort of. Okay, it’s a stretch, but sometimes you just need to stop running. It’s great to say we’ll never quit, but sometimes our bodies disagree and that little twinge in your ankle or knee becomes a full blown warning siren. Even though this girl was totally nuts for writing this email, it sounds like some of her sorority sisters were acting out in ways that showed that maybe they shouldn’t be participating in greek week; we don’t always use words to communicate. Listen to what your body is nonverbally communicating and when it’s time to turn around and jog home, do that. Don’t jump the shark!
4: It’s good to get creative. I counted 41 uses of the F word in this email, none of which were particularly inventive, but the author really revs up her performance when she comes up with new and interesting terms to verbally abuse her sorority sisters: terms like “c— punt.” (Arguably, that phrase has become the star of this particular pop culture trainwreck.) You can deliver a great performance too if you change up your training routine. Try a Fartlek this week, or bust out some track work. If you’re already doing that stuff, maybe introduce a cross-training day with a bike ride or time in the pool.
5: Remember your mission statement. Why are you running today? What are you seeking to gain? Do you just want to have fun? Do you have a time or distance goal you’d like to achieve, or are you using this workout to build strength? Every workout has a purpose, and if you take a few moments to consider that purpose, you’ll be amazed how far that goes toward keeping you on track for a successful run.
The purpose of Delta Gamma, from its mission statement, “is to foster high ideals of friendship, promote educational and cultural interests, create a true sense of social responsibility, and develop the finest qualities of character.” The author of this email clearly lost sight of that mission, and so Delta Gamma “accepted” her resignation from the sorority this week.
The entire email as posted on Gawker.com, who changed the author’s first name. WARNING: contains oodles of bad words!
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.